Sloth

I found this image on the Internet the other day. Today, I’m going to narrate the story.

Man: Hey, Pinstripe, I’m dirty. You’re dirty. But I think I have a great solution.

<Turns on water in the bathtub, but actually is smart enough to switch off the water before he grabs the cat.>

Man: Here, Pinstripe. Who’s a good kitty? That’s right! You are! You’re the bestest kitty. I’ve got you now. Yes. Let’s head into the bathroom.

<Mind you, he is completely naked, walking through the house. Luckily, he lives alone. Otherwise, he’d get some disparaging comments from the family. The photos are being taken magically. The guy is a practicing wizard, having graduated from Ilvermorney School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. No, I don’t know if he knows anyone famous from the school. That’s not important. He carries Pinstripe into the bathroom with him and closes the door. A lack of foresight in this regard would make for a terribly wet home.>

Man: There it is. Pinstripe wants a bath, doesn’t he? Of course he does. All cats love their baths.

Pinstripe: <But we usually like giving ourselves our own baths…>

Man splashes his feet into the water. He’s still holding onto Pinstripe. The cat looks down warily, but he’s ok still, as he likes his Human’s warmth. The man descends further into the water, and he is sitting down. Pinstripe’s tail dips into the water.

Pinstripe: <The hell was that!?>

Man: Yeah, water’s nice. Just the right temperature. Ready to find out? Ok. One. Two. Three!

The man dips Pinstripe into the water, all but submerging the cat. The cat develops an immediate case of ambidexterity of all four limbs as they pinwheel about looking for traction.

Pinstripe: <Ak! Apthkpth! Gak! Oh my God! Glurb!>

The human takes his cruelty one step further, and he lets the cat go, so that Pinstripe is free-swimming in the water. The cat is not amused and makes a bee-line back to the human.

Pinstripe: <Pick me up! Pick me up, you sick bastard!>

The cruel man is laughing as he grabs Pinstripe and pulls him out of the water. The cat’s claws reach out and grip the perfect malleability of traction that is the man’s bare flesh.

Man: Ow! Owwwie! Your claws are sharp!

Pinstripe: <Free! Free! Dear Kitty God! I’m free!>

Despite the tightly gripping fingers of the human, Pinstrike maneuvers his way onto the human’s shoulder, onto the side of the basin, and onto the bathroom floor, where he shakes off the abundance of water from his coat. He then spends the next 20 minutes glaring at the damnable human for his audacity.

And the lesson learned is that Pinstripe will never again let himself be manhandled by the evil human. Poor kitty. Stupid ass man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So ends today’s entry. If you have any ridiculous photos that you would like narrated, feel free to share them below. I’ll continue having fun with other random images that I find.

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